I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Randomize
