I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
