I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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