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I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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