Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Even my vagina gasped.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
