i just sent this text using only my big toe
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
