It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he shaved USA in his pubs
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
