i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
