when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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