good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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