she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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