No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize