i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
