sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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