I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
