her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
