When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You dont lie about slip and slides
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
