i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Randomize
