i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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