so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
