I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
