I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just invented taco cereal.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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