I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
