Already got asked if we're dating
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
