Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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