this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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