yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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