I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
