even my farts smell like vagina
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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