peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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