respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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