Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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