i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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