M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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