i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
