I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
