Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
