theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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