I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
