I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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