We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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