i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
worst night to have a conscience
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
