no, he came in my armpit
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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