super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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