Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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