i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
