I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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