I never want to see another naked old woman again.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
