First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
