Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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