In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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