someone threw a dead crab at me
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
