I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
