my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
