I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
