Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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