Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
