i jhust puked up my retainher.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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