I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
