I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
