that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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