i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
