normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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