Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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