I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
