what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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