My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize