I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
