you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Randomize
