I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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