I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
